Sunday, April 20, 2008

another week of waiting...

Well here comes another week.  Oh joy!  (Can you hear the sarcasm?)  My agency is having a conference call tomorrow but I don't expect any information about how much longer I am going to have to wait to bring Sadie home.  There is absolutely no way of knowing.  She turns 11 months old on Friday.  Another milestone I am missing.  I received new pictures of her on Friday and they make me so sad.  I don't even want to share them with anyone.  She looks so unhappy.  Not just bored or not smiling, but truly unhappy.  I had specifically asked for a picture of her with something from the care package I sent her some time ago, but that didn't happen.  I was truly hoping for a picture of her holding my picture.  I know many other families have received a picture like that but not me.  Honestly, I have no idea if she ever received anything that I sent to her.  The only bright spot in these new pictures is that it shows her sitting up on her own on the floor.  So now I know that she can stand up in her crib and sit up on her own.  

I hate how this mess with the I600 has changed me.  I hate that I am constantly complaining and crying.  I am not a negative person, or at least I didn't used to be.  I know there are families that have been waiting for approval longer than I have but I think Sadie is older than a lot of their children.  Granted, it's only by a few months, but every month counts.  When I started this process, I was told to expect that my child would be about 6-9 months old when she came home.  At this point she'll be over a year old.  I know age is just a number but I hate thinking about all the things that I have missed and that she has missed out on.  Am I ready for a walking baby?  I can assure you that Bailey is not.  One of my volunteers told me some time ago that it doesn't matter how long it takes to bring her home because we will have a lifetime together.  I am really trying to hold on to this this thought.  I know she's right.  People say I'll forget the wait once she is home but I just hope I can forget and let go of the anger and frustration that I'm feeling.  I know I'll have stress, but it will be new mommy stress.  I'm OK with that.  I'm actually looking forward to that.  I'm just worried that this mess is going to change me forever; and not in a good way. 


waitingforoursweetpea said...

I'm so sorry. This wait is difficult for everyone involved. I know I have not been patient at all during this wait, but know that it is just a matter of time before we will all be picking up our children. Our daughter will be 11 months on the 5th of April-I can so understand what you are feeling about milestones and missing them.
We just have to be strong for our little ones.
You are not alone, big hugs to you.

Sharon said...

We had a very productive planning meeting Saturday. The person we will meet with is really on our side. Keep the faith. We are not letting go.

As far as forgetting the wait, I can say that after 4.5 yrs of infertility, the pain of that was washed away once I realized my child will be born to someone else, but entrusted to me. So, while this is painful, the laughter of a baby does have magical healing powers. Hugs to you my dear.

3continentfamily said...

I'm so sorry. This isn't going to change you into a bitter person forever. It's something that is happening but once Sadie is home it will be nothing more than a bad dream. I don't believe the wait will be 'forgotten'- it will become less painful, but not forgotten. Bureaucracy is messing things up and it's unforgivable. Hang in there. You are not alone ((((((hugs))))))