Saturday, May 10, 2008

100 days

Well, I have finally put my hard earned license to good use and diagnosed myself as depressed.  I can no longer call this a funk or me feeling sad.  The sadness has crept into all areas of my life.  My appetite is gone.  This is huge for me because I love food.  I have a really hard time falling asleep.  Once I'm asleep I can sleep through the night, but I wake up exhausted.  I'm distracted and unfocused at work.  My house is a mess.  My stomach hurts.  I cry at the drop of a hat.  My migraines are more frequent.  I took the day off on Friday and spent the entire day in bed.  I don't know how to get out of this.

I found an old text message today from a friend.  It was from November; shortly after I received my referral.  She asked when I was going to Vietnam and I replied, "I have to wait until February or March.  Sucks, huh?"  If only. 

So tomorrow is Mother's Day.  It is not going to be an easy day.  My mom is still too sick to even get together for dinner at home.  I worked today, training a new group of volunteers.  They all know I am in the process of adopting.  There's this one sweet college kid in the group who was the first person ever to send me a thank you note after his interview.  It wasn't a suck up letter, it was just a genuine thank you.  Well, at the very end of the training today, almost everyone had left the room and he turned to say goodbye and then said, "Happy Mother's Day."  It was the sweetest moment and it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Even writing about it now, I can't stop crying. 

I bought myself a Mother's Day gift about a week ago. 

locket

It is so pretty.  I had Sadie's monogram engraved on the front.  It took some doing to get the tiny pictures in there, but I finally got it.  Thanks to K for the tips!

So that's everything.  I can't believe it has been 100 days with truly no end in sight.  I'm tired of getting my hopes up when I'm told that there may be some good news this week or progress is being made.  Frankly, I just don't believe it anymore.  I also can't believe that there are at least 2 families with my agency who have been waiting even longer than I have.  I hate feeling so helpless.  I hate that my life is on hold until CIS decides that Sadie is truly an orphan.  Why is this happening and when will it finally be over?

1 comment:

3continentfamily said...

What a beautiful locket, with a beautiful baby for a beautiful mom. Hang in there.